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Rants...

By A S Wilkins, Jun 10 2015 01:52PM


It was just a joke... I did it for a laugh... I do that a lot... You have to understand... I always feel the need to make people laugh... Sometimes it works and I feel great... On occasions, I screw up and end up looking stupid...


OK, so on this particular occasion I looked more than stupid... I fucked up big time... I admit it... Let's move on, OK?


It was a perfect comedic opportunity... You're still not getting me... I'm a purist... Let’s just analyse this for a moment…


We walk into a large shoe shop... You're looking for shoes for your boy and I'm tagging along for the ride... And I'm eating an apple... Let's not forget the apple... So while you're wandering up and down aisle upon aisle of shoes, I finish the goddamn apple and need to discard the core... Not a bin in sight... You're oblivious to my dilemma... You're deep in concentration... Trainers or sandals? Lace-ups or slip-ons? My predicament is not your problem... I'm following your shadow, holding this fucking apple core... All I want to do is ditch the son of a fruit... Fingers getting stickier by the second... I then spot a pair of shoes I like the look of... But I'm unable to pick them up... Sticky fingers and all...


And then it hits me... I spy an empty shoebox on one of the shelves... Normally there'd be a shoe on top of it or something... Maybe someone's trying the thing on... I deftly place the remains of the apple on top of the box... It looks great... As if it's supposed to be there... I step back... And attract the attention of a nearby sales assistant...


"Excuse me… Do you have any apple cores in a size eight?" I enquire.


You look over at this point... Interested all of a sudden... I see the look of horror you give me... I'm not sorry...


"Excuse me?" the sales assistant queries...


I repeat... "Do you have any apple cores in a size eight?"


She looks at me as if I'd just dropped in from Mars...


“I know... You think I’m from Mars...”


She starts to stammer... "Umm... This is... a shoe sh..."


Perfect timing... I interrupt... "Oh, I see that you do", pointing to the apple core on the shelf...


Her eyes follow my arm... Ha ha... The look on her face...


"Excellent!" I beam... "Do you have the other one so I can try them on?"


OK, not the greatest of gags... But it worked... At least it would've done if the bitch hadn't called the manager over... Who promptly called the police... I ask you... What is it with the world these days?


Hmmm… Rant over…




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