SCENE 1

KICHEN INTERIOR

OK darling, I’m off…  Kids are getting dressed as per instructions…  ETA for breakfast… (PONDERS FOR A MOMENT)  I dare say they’ll need another reminder in about ten minutes.

Thanks love…  Have a good day at the office.

(SIGHING) How many times must I remind you honey?  (AS SICKLY GAME SHOW HOST) Now then Carol Waring… You don’t mind if I call you Carol, do you?  Good…  Now then Carol…  Just how long as your husband been working in his present job?

(WOMAN’S GIGGLY VOICE) Over ten years, Derek.

(AS GAME SHOW HOST) Over ten years you say…  Fantastic…  I’m sure…  Ok, Carol… For your chance to win tonight’s star prize, the wonderful two berth caravan we all saw earlier, paraded by the glamorous Glenda…  Do you like caravan’s, Carol?

(WOMAN’S GIGGLY VOICE)  Oh yes, Derek… Adam and I love to get away from it all whenever we can.

(AS GAME SHOW HOST)  I’m sure you do Carol…  Who doesn’t these days?  Well love, answer this next question correctly and that wonderful two berth caravan will be yours.

(WOMAN’S GIGGLY VOICE)  Ooooh…

Ok, ok…  Look, you’re going to be late, you idiot.

(AS GAME SHOW HOST) Who gives a shit, Carol…  Do you want the bloody caravan or not?  Now concentrate, Carol…  Has your husband had a good day at the office in recent living memory?  Take your time…  There’s a lot at stake…

Ok, ok…  So no…  No you haven’t...  But hey!  You never know...  Today might just be THE day.

(AS SELF) Oh right…  And what would you say if I came home tonight and said I’d actually had a good day at the office?

(THINKS) Good point…  I’d be suspicious…  I’d think that maybe that Cheryl had finally given in to your perverse sexual demands.

Oh spare me please…  Anyway, I don’t think Cheryl is speaking to me at the moment.

Why ever not?  She’s been after you since the day you first started…  She was all over you at the Christmas party.

She was working her through the company’s internal telephone list, sweetie…  The fact I’m a W means I got off lightly…  Poor old Benson in accounts is still on antis.

So what have you done to upset her then?

(LAUGHS) She came onto me as Dylan and I were leaving for lunch yesterday…  Asked me when I was going to succumb to her wild, passionate desires…  Cheeky cow then suggested it had been a while since I’d actually had sex.

Ooh the…

I know…  Asked me if I could still remember what to do.

And what did you say?

I asked her if it was just like riding a bike?  (SMILES) See you later…  (SHOUTS) Bye kids.